First of I suppose I should say that’s not strictly accurate. I’m not always tired. Just most of the time. And that’s because for me I’m tired has many different meanings and usually at least one of them will be true if not a combination of them. So what are these many meanings.
First and foremost the obvious one. I need to sleep. As my problems develop my sleeping pattern goes out the window. Operating on a handful of hours sleep becomes the norm. Recently I have commented I am now getting 4 or 5 hours sleep most nights up from the 2 or 3 I was getting a short while ago. And it has been a few weeks since I had a completely sleepless night. The sleeping problems can be driven by anxiety or depression. I can lie awake unable to slow my mind and stop the fears racing around my head or I can lie awake and barely notice the night go by as my head is so completely empty.
Being tired can also mean I am exhausted from the exertions of every day life. On bad days any one of getting out of bed, making breakfast or getting dressed can leave me needing a rest. Doing all three and then leaving the house can be near impossible without a break or two and several hours. The sheer energy required to just go about our daily business is often more than I have to give. I can spend so much of the day tense and worried and stressing that by late afternoon or evening I am completely spent. Adrenaline can only get you so far and then it stops.
Being tired can mean I feel completely devoid of energy and motivation because my depression has taken hold. I feel slow and my head isn’t clear. I struggle to focus or remember things and activities that are usually done on autopilot become challenging. These symptoms match those I feel when I am tired so my brain automatically combines the two.
It can also mean I am tired of feeling this way. I don’t want to be depressed or anxious anymore. I just want this to be gone. I am tired of having to fight every day just to get through life. I just want a break. I want to be free of my problems and not have them hit me in the face every few minutes. I don’t want to have to rely on coping mechanisms and just can’t be bothered doing anything to help myself anymore.
It can mean I am tired of saying no. I don’t like turning down social invitations or requests from friends or family but at these times there is so much I am unable or feel unable to do. I want to be free of the worries about whether I can actually do something or if it is too much for me. I just want someone to say we will look after you for a bit. I want someone to say I will come and do whatever you are able to do just to be with you. I want someone to say I will do something to make your daily life a little easier.
It can mean I am tired of saying yes. I don’t feel I can look after myself at the moment but yet I can still end up looking after others. Whether it be driving them somewhere, organising something, answering questions or generally helping out sometimes I just want people to leave me alone and not rely on me. It can be enormously beneficial doing something for someone as it gives such a good feeling but sometimes I just want to do it on my terms and not on yours.
It can mean I am tired of asking for help. I don’t like being dependent on others. I feel like I am a burden at these times. It seems whenever I talk to someone invariably I am hoping they will be able to make my life a little easier or brighter. It can be very hard to ask someone for help and hear they are unable to give for whatever reason (usually very good ones) especially as it can take a long time and a lot of effort for me to summon the courage to do so. It can be equally hard to ask someone for help and get an instant reply of yes anything or always to get what I ask for. It can cause me no end of worry that I am disrupting people’s lives enormously and having a negative impact on them.
It can mean I am mentally and emotionally drained. There is nothing left. I have put all my efforts into something and have nothing left afterwards. No sense of fulfillment or accomplishment or joy or even relief. Just that dull empty ache of exhaustion and depression.
All these things and more can be covered by that little phrase ‘I’m tired’. And each drives the others. As sleep becomes elusive the energy to fight the doubts and worries disappears. As they increase the effort of life increases. As this happens sleep becomes more elusive and the cycle continues and worsens with each time. It takes a lot of time and effort to break the cycle. And even longer and more effort to climb back out of that pit. But I keep going because one day I might not feel tired. One night I will sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day. One day the effort of daily life will not take so much out of me I can enjoy my life again. One day I will not be tired. That day may be a long way off and for now I may feel tired but it can happen and that gives me hope.
Iainsidemyhead 