Learning to say No

Through working with my counsellor I have identified one of the things that has contributed to my build up of stress is my inability to say no. I struggle to tell people that I can’t, won’t or don’t want to do what they ask. This can be in any situation whether it is work, social or personal. All these things add up to create more and more stressors in my life. I put myself under a lot of pressure in my life in a number of ways and this is a big one. I always feel I should be trying to help others and do what I can for them. And while this is a worthy goal it needs to be balanced with an understanding of what is possible in life. While it might be good to say yes and try to help someone it might not always be right. If it pushes you too far and puts you under too much pressure it is sensible to say no. Learning what I am capable of and what is right for me is an important step to managing my stress better in future. It will be a gradual process and one which will take me some time to master. As a good example of this a few days after I had a good discussion about this with my counsellor was the day I passed my viva for my PhD. I arranged to go out with a few friends that evening to celebrate although not being in a great frame of mind it was a relatively quiet night. I deliberately kept the number of people I asked small as larger groups are more difficult for my anxiety. Those I asked were people who knew the problems I was having and were or had done PhDs which gave me a small group I felt comfortable with. The somewhat arbitrary selection criteria simply gave me a way to limit the number of people attending. When I considered asking others I always ended up feeling if I invited one person I needed to invite others too and adding lots more people and having a larger group than I felt comfortable with. For this reason when one friend asked about another person attending I said no even though it was very hard to do. I felt slightly bad for doing so as I have no problem with the person in question and didn’t mind them coming except if I invited them I would have felt obligated to invite several more increasing the number beyond that I felt comfortable with. Even though I felt bad for saying no I was also slightly proud of myself for doing so and happy that I had at least managed to do so. Later that night it was suggested we play a certain game. The game is essentially a music quiz which involves identifying song lyrics. As those who know me will be aware I rarely listen to music so am basically completely useless at this game as I don’t know many if any of the songs. This means I don’t really enjoy it and in my current anxious and depressed state this feeling grows even more. I can have some fun during this game as I am still just hanging out with friends and the banter can be good. However, sometimes not really knowing what is going on makes me feel less part of the group which is a feeling I can struggle with anyway at times like this. As usual with a group of friends competing there is a lot of winding each other up during games. Comments telling the other team they are useless or are idiots for not knowing something are meant in jest but when my head is already trying to make me believe them it can be hard to take them as such. Fighting the anxieties and demons present in my head during social situations simply become harder during activities such as these so I was not keen to play the game. However, I could not summon up the courage to say so. I knew in my head I had managed to say no to something earlier that day to make the night easier for myself and people were understanding but I couldn’t do it again. At one point I was actually asked about playing it before but all I could say was I had played it before but not contributed much as I didn’t know any answers. That would have a been a great opportunity for me to say I didn’t enjoy it but I knew that several of my friends there loved the game and wanted to play so I stayed quiet while desperately hoping someone would realise it wasn’t for me and suggest something else. As we played I nearly got up to leave several times but stuck it out to prove to myself I could get through awkward and difficult situations. Even until now I have not been able to talk to my friends about this as I still feel bad for not wanting to play and feel I am letting my friends down for not wanting to do something they enjoy. What that day showed me was I was capable of saying no to something and doing what I needed to do for myself but still struggle to do so at other times. For some time after I was annoyed with myself for what I saw as my later failure rather than taking the positive that I succeeded once earlier. Working through the process and getting into the habit of acknowledging what is difficult for me and what I am capable of doing will take time but hopefully I will get there. And I know I will get support from my family and friends on that journey. Knowing people are understanding that at the minute things are tough and I am not capable of things I otherwise would be is a big help. And I know I have people around me who will help me learn and not be offended by my saying no om occasion. So I will get there even if it takes some time.