Today was a bad day. Yesterday wasn’t great and I didn’t sleep well (even by my low standards) for the second night in a row. And today my problems got to me. I wasn’t ok with what I was feeling and experiencing and it really bothered me.
I have been battling the feelings of being alone and cut off from everything and everyone. I have been struggling to manage day to day life. I have been grumpy and irritable. I am not sleeping well. I feel pressurised and judged by people most of the time. I know intellectually this is the depression and anxiety. I know these are symptoms of a disease. But I struggle to accept that. I am angry and frustrated with those around me for making me feel this way or letting me feel this. I am angry and upset with myself for feeling this way. I know these feelings are a consequence of the depression and anxiety. I know it is not me or people around me that are the root of the feelings. But I hate feeling them. And I struggle to accept that they are part of an illness. My mind seeks someone to blame whether it be me or someone else. Deep down I know this isn’t helpful. I know I need to move past the emotions. If I focus on them I will sink further into the mire of depression. But I don’t know how to do this in my confused and depressed state. So I wallow in the horrible thoughts cycling between pity, anger, guilt, frustration and so many more emotions. It is a jumble of feelings I can’t sort out or get a handle on. As one dissipates slightly another rises to the surface. I hate feeling this way. I know it is the demons in my head but I don’t seem to be able to fight them at the moment. Having them is horrible. I just want rid of this struggle. I want it to be over. I want a magic wand to wave and fix my head and wonder why no one will do it for me. Deep down I know no one can. It is a process and with time I will get there. But for now I just want this all to be gone. I want peace. The phrase I just want this to be over hammers in my head. It scares me. I know it means I want my depression to be gone. I want to be free of these problems and able to live my life. I want to be healthy again. But I am scared because I understand how for others that phrase can mean something else. That I know why someone can feel they would rather not live than feel this all the time. I am not at that point. I hope I never will be and I don’t think I will. But it scares me that I can understand why someone could think that. I never knew before. My greatest weapon against that is knowing there are people around me who would be hurt by any movement I make along that path. I cannot do that to them. So I will not go there. My family and friends are literally my life support. They are my biggest reason to keep going. And so I have to keep fighting my demons. I have to deal with the emotions and feelings and thoughts in my head. And gradually I begin to take back some control of my head. Pushing through the lack of motivation I got myself out of the house. That helped a little. I walked for a bit. That helped a bit. I managed to reach out to friends for a little support. That helped a bit. I got some tasty if unhealthy fast food. That helped a bit. I talked again to family. That helped a bit. All the little bits adding together helped a lot. Today was a hard day. I let my illness get to me. I was fed up of dealing with it. I wouldn’t accept that it limits me and takes me to places I don’t want to be. I stopped trusting myself to get through it. I let the negatives build. I let it get to me and take over me. But eventually I got there. I worked through the stuff that helps me. It tool me time and effort and not everything worked. But with some support I got there. I beat back the demons for a while. They will be back again I know but I proved again today I can get through the horribleness. I can do this. It was a bad day and a hard day but I am getting through it. I am proving I can do it. It is a struggle but I can get there. I just need to keep going and maybe one day the struggle will be over and life will be ok. I have that hope again. It was gone for a while today but its back. And hope is a great weapon. With hope I can do this.
Iainsidemyhead 