Last night I was very snappy with friends at tag rugby. I let stuff get to me again. It was a horrible rainy night and people didn’t like the weather. The usual comments and jokes were made about not wanting to play and calling it off etc. I know they were made in jest and not serious but they annoyed me and I got frustrated with people for making them.
At the moment I have very little motivation for anything. I don’t usually want to do much. I spend a lot of the time just wanting to curl up in a ball in bed because it feels safe or because it is the only thing that doesn’t feel incredibly difficult. Sometimes it takes all that I have just to fight that urge. Making myself do other things takes an enormous effort and is a massive battle for me. So when I heard other people saying they weren’t keen to be there or didn’t want to play because of the weather or we were playing a good team I was very angry. I would love to be in the situation were those were the things making me not want to play. I felt I was making a huge effort to be there as I have been doing for months and really struggling with it and other people were minimising that effort in a way. I really wanted some positive voices around me and some support to help me through the night and the complaints felt like negative voices. I felt like I was having to battle my friends as well as the voices in my head. So I was upset. And I answered back to people and was rude. And that wasn’t fair of me. I know people did not mean to minimise my struggles or to make them harder. It was just an unfortunate coincidence. I know many other times I have made the same comments myself. We rarely realise the effect our words can have on others. And I know well that there is rarely a good thing to say to me at the moment. Almost anything can set me off and make me feel worse. I am just in quite a negatove frame of mind a lot of the time and take the worst possible meaning of things. I cannot expect people to watch their words around me all the time. Maybe I can work on communicating better with them why their comments are hurtful or annoying but I also have to try to be more patient and not take my frustrations out on them when it is not their fault. It may be hard sometimes but it is a struggle worth making.
Iainsidemyhead 