Or that’s what my head thinks anyway. And not for the reasons Bilbo said either. Whenever I walk out that door my body starts seeing danger. Sometimes even before the front door. Leaving my bedroom or even bed can be scary. Talking to people even via text or email can be terrifying. I see danger lots of places.
So often when I am out I can feel the fight or flight reflex kicking in. I feel the need to look for safety and to run away from the danger. But its not real danger most of the time. While my body seems to be gearing up to run away from a sabre tooth tiger I am aware the cause of the reaction is just a person walking down the street. But my mind sees danger in that and soon the chemicals are pumping round my body. I am on edge and fidgety and nervous and battling the urge to run back to my nice safe cave (bed) where that sabre tooth tiger (life) can’t get me.
It’s hard doing this. It’s hard having to force yourself to do something that for most of your life felt natural and normal. And it gets frustrating having to do it day after day after day. And it gets frustrating when people don’t seem to know how hard it is. The thing is there isn’t a whole lot people can do to help sometimes. But I still get frustrated with them even though its not their fault.
I don’t like having to work to get through life. But I have to do it. It’s the only way I can teach my mind that life isn’t as dangerous as it thinks. Gradually things get easier. It takes a long time and sometimes it gets worse again. I just try to work through my anxiety and fear as best I can. I need friends and family to help me often. If I can manage short periods of time at events or small events it helps me build up to normal life. And if I have people to help me get through the door or help me through the bad spells it makes a difference. It can make it a little easier and safer feeling. Very few things feel safe and I sometimes feel desperate just to have something that does in the hope I can actually enjoy myself for more time instead of having to fight. But I also know I need to keep teaching my body that it can get through the stuff that feels dangerous and that it doesn’t have to run away. It’s a balance. And sometimes I do better than others. But I just have to make the most of the good days and push through the bad as best I can. And be patient with myself when its bad. It will get there with time. My body will learn eventually life isn’t full of danger and will stop trying to run away. It just needs time.
Iainsidemyhead 