The first time I spoke openly and publicly about my mental health problems was in October 2015. I had previously spoke to friends and family privately but I decided I wanted a wider audience to hear my message. I wrote a piece which I left out with teh buns I had supplied for our weekly cake fest in the office and later posted it to facebook. That was one of the hardest and scariest things I had ever done. I had planned for weeks to do something like this but it took until the day for me to actually write something and commit to doing it.
The response was amazing. The number of people who contacted me to say they had experienced similar problems but never publicly admitted it was staggering. A number of people commented how it was good to see someone able to talk so openly about it and that it helped them. This made it one of the things I am most proud if in my life. It may have terrified me to do it but it seemed to help some people. That’s a fantastic reward.
The piece I wrote is laid out below. A copy of it remains pinned at my desk in that office. Although it says at the end I considered myself free from my issues that was not to be the end of my problems as they would later return again. I am still incredibly proud of what I wrote.
Hi all,
As some of you may be aware, it was recently World Mental Health Day and as someone who has been affected by mental health issues this is something I like to mark each year if possible. One of the suggested activities this year was a tea and talk event where people hosted friends and family for a conversation over tea and biscuits or cake. To me it seemed natural to do so the context of our cake Friday. However, as someone who struggles to talk about my experiences coherently I decided to write it down before hand which also gives the added benefit that anyone who doesn’t want to hear me rabbit on can just get on with eating their buns in peace. For those that are interested my story is outlined below and I am happy to talk to anyone about my experiences and answer any questions.
My problems with mental health began in spring/summer of 2012 at the end of my undergrad degree when I started suffering from panic attacks (by the way helpful tip, that trick with breathing into a paper bag isn’t an old wives tale, doctors do actually tell you to do it). This was the start of a long period dealing with anxiety issues. Although the panic attacks stopped after a few weeks the fear of them continued for a long time and I did go through a period of about a month later that summer where I was afraid to leave the house. Fortunately, a job interview I was offered forced me to helping me to get over this although unsurprisingly the interview didn’t go brilliantly. It was October that year I started my PhD (something I should say I am not sure I would have been able to do without the presence of my good friend James Stewart so a quick shout out to him). At this stage I was still not undergoing any treatment but several months into the PhD as I continued to struggle I finally saw sense and started undergoing counselling. While this helped initially I then had another downturn and the anxiety led on to depression. It was around this time I first started taking medication for the problem too. The combination of these two helped me recover a lot and by the end of my first year I was feeling a lot better. Having finished the counselling and deciding to come back off the medication I had a period of a couple of months of relative stability with only the odd problem rearing its head but around Christmas and New Year my old problems began to resurface and by shortly after I was as bad as ever again. I had to restart taking medication and attending counselling. It was around this time I finally admitted my problems for the first time to some people in the office and I would like to thank them for their support at this time again. During this period I hit the lowest point of my problems when I began having thoughts of wanting to hurt myself as a way of showing people how many problems I was having as I struggled to talk to people about what I was going through. Feelings of life being too much and not wanting it to continue soon followed. Thanks to the great support of carecall counselling service available through queens and that of family and friends none of these feelings got any further than that and I never took any steps in that direction. I should also say that there is a difference between feelings of not wanting to live and wanting to die and a further difference between feelings and planning and then doing so I was a long way from this happening. In fact, I would always have been classed as zero risk.
As I recovered from this through the next summer I finally began to get on top of the problem properly and any dips in how I have felt since then have been minor. Although I continue to take medication (having experienced what can happen when you come off it too early) I am now in a much better place and generally consider myself to be free of my anxiety and depression problems.
I would like to again thank everyone who has helped me (many of you have done so without realising it probably) throughout this time and just hope that telling my story can have some positive impact on someone’s life somewhere. While what has worked for me may not work for others, I would like to comment on some of the big things that have helped me. Physical exercise definitely helped so shout out to all the footballers, taggers and cricketers there especially those who not only put up with my incessant sledging but return it in buckets. A special mention to the coffee run regulars and lunch crew as well as having social interaction and people to help you through problems is also a big help. And just to everyone who has been friendly around the office, lab and university in general and beyond as well as every smiling face and friendly hello makes a big difference to a struggling person. So thank you all again for your help.
To anyone who is going through or knows someone who is going through any such problems I can only say it is possible to get better and please do get help from whatever source is most appropriate for you. I am not an expert on this by any means and my experience may be nothing like yours but seeking help is always the right call. If anyone wants to talk to me about any of this or anything else I will always be there for you like so many of you have been for me.
#keep stepping forward
Iain
Iainsidemyhead 