24 hours on from the achievement

Last night I posted on facebook ( https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10216579259342795&id=1498428165 ) About how going to a barbecue for just a little bit was such a huge achievement for me. I was in tears after it took so much out of me. Pretty much a day on and the tears are coming again. Slower at barely a trickle but there. Tonight I feel so lonely and alone and miserable and fed up and useless and a let down and so many other negative words. I wish there was some way I could feel a little more positive and valued and worthy and there was someone who could show me I am. In theory I know there is but it is a struggle to actually believe that. And even more of a struggle to believe that anyone who is a friend and who cares will be around in the future. I’m not at keeping in touch with people. I don’t have old friends from school or even many from uni I see or talk to on even a semi regular basis. I feel like I didn’t do anything today. Oh sure I went to play cricket until the Ballymena weather stopped it. But I didn’t do much there. I was up from 3am before that (insomnia again) but all I did in the 6 or 7 hours I had between then and getting ready to leave was lie on the sofa watching tv and eat some breakfast. When the game finished I was among the earliest to leave. I went home and watched some more tv. I went to the shop to buy a few things I needed or had said I would get for cricket and tag. I had hoped to do this while doing a full shop but I couldn’t face trying to do it all. I had dinner. Take away. Ordered for delivery so I didn’t have to do anything. I lay and watched some more tv. I had hoped that today with no work and only a short game of cricket I would manage to do my dishes or some washing or cleaning. I managed to throw the bath mats in the washing machine and nearly left them in it after they were done. The dishes still lie beside the sink. The heap of clothes still lies beside the laundry basket (yep most of them aren’t even in it). I had hoped that I might enjoy myself parts of the day and feel better for having been out last night. Maybe I did. I don’t really remember it though. I feel like I did nothing with the day. But I did. I survived. I got up. I had breakfast. I took my tablets. I got dressed. I went out. I drove to Ballymena and played cricket for a bit even if I wasn’t great. I drove home. I went to the shop. I had dinner. I tried to read for a bit. And I did it all without falling apart. Yes I had panicky spells and tough spells and spells I wanted to be left alone or crawl into bed but I survived. And it took until half nine (ish) for me to cry. And I’m still here. I’m still trying. So I achieved a hell of a lot. I survived another day with the terrible twins anxiety and depression. Some days that is enough. It is mighty hard trying to remember that. When I see the mess of the house, the takeaway boxes, the dishes I get hit by the reminders of what I havn’t done or can’t do. When I go to bed to see if I can catch up on some of the missed sleep I feel horribly alone and unloved. But I have to remind myself I am still here. I am still going. And while it may not feel like it I am a decent person and I have achieved something today just by surviving. If I can remember that it will be ok. It’s hard but I will keep going and little step by little step I will get there.